learning how to own it

self-portrait. fall 2010. oil on canvas.

"The time has come," the Walrus said, "to talk of many things..."

...like dreaded New Year's resolutions. But I know exactly what mine is going to be this time around.

Recently, a good friend said to me, "This year, I'm all about owning it and loving who I am."

I've been thinking about it ever since. Especially because I know she's not just saying it - last year she was quiet, shy, a little awkward. But this year, she's hott (with two t's) and she knows it. H-O-T-T: sexy, confident, and knows she's completely kickass in every way, and everyone else can plainly see it too. She's totally comfortable with who she is, and it's amazing to see that in a 19-year-old woman. (I would know - I'm a 19-year-old woman myself! And lemme tell ya, that kind of awe-inspiring confidence doesn't come easy).

Recently, another friend said to me, "I don't think you have a lot of confidence."

I've been thinking about this ever since too. Because I was caught off-guard - I've never been told that before in that way, point-blank. In fact, I've been told quite the opposite. So of course I thought for a long time about why this friend would believe something that I couldn't see. Maybe I was in denial about how much self-esteem I possessed, but is that even possible? Can you build up fake confidence so well that even you can't see it? Is one person all it takes to see right through that fake confidence and deflate it just like that?

No. I don't think fake confidence can exist. You can certainly fake confidence, but that's derived from real confidence, to trust in your ability to show others how freaking awesome you are. And maybe you shake off initial nerves with a bit of self-promotion and an Ugly-Betty-esque personal pep-talk, but once people see that confidence, phoney or not, they react and only serve to boost it until it manifests itself into your one-and-only, true and bonafide self-esteem.

So, in shaking off that one person's comment about my seeming lack of self-esteem, and in taking that other person's truly inspiring words to heart:

This year, I'm all about owning it and loving who I am.

Which I realize may sound totally cliché, but hey, being cliché is who I am, and I'm all about owning it now, aren't I?

love and right triangles,

april

PS: happy christmas!

PPS: what are your resolutions?